Bring the pain!

"From a first-party point of view, it’s not just about E-rated games, it’s going to be about the experience that, quite frankly, Nintendo has done a tremendous job in capturing, in bringing back fun—if you will—to the gaming platforms." - Peter Moore, Feb. 22, 2007 interview with Game Informer

FROM: Peter Moore
TO: Xbox 360 game developers
RE: Pain

Hey guys!

I know all you developers are hard at work right now, but I just wanted to update everyone on our "turn our customers into sad, miserable bastards" strategy.

As you know, three years ago we adopted a platform-wide strategy to deliver the most boring, excruciating, nauseating and physically and psychologically painful software the world has ever seen. Extensive research indicated that a resentul customer was a loyal customer, and gamers in particular were gluttons for punishment.

Incessant hardware crashes were part of the first phase of that strategy, while well-crafted games like Bomberman: Act Zero ensured a software/hardware synergy of unmitigated torture. Strong stuff, team!

But while execution across the board has been nearly flawless -- CliffyB, baby, why you got to be so difficult? -- it seems we may have hit a snag.

Those loathsome vermin at Nintendo have stumbled onto a new theory. Call it bringing back fun, if you will. Which I won't! Cause Nintendo sucks! LOL! Am I right?! Anyway, it seems gamers like to have fun, the ungrateful little pukes.

While you know and I know that what most gamers really want is a steady stream of beatings and whippings, followed by some afternoon floggings and a good kick in the head, those namby-pamby treehuggers at Nintendo have decided to make games about petting puppies. Personally, I would have suggested a game where you kick puppies.

Anywho, since I know everyone wants to get back to work, let me sum up.

Old strategy: Iron boot to the face of the gamer.
New strategy: Same as the Old, but with a softer boot.

Thanks everyone! If you need me, I'll be down at the Ferrari dealership.

-Peter